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Did you know that procrastination ISN'T a time management problem, it's an EMOTIONAL management problem?

Yup, you don't procrastinate when you're lazy or don't have enough time, you procrastinate when you're overwhelmed, anxious, or fearful.

Understanding psychological root causes of behavior is the first step towards personal freedom.

So, here's the breakdown on each of these 4 reasons you're procrastinating:

1️⃣ "I don't know where to start."

-It's not that you don't know where to start, it's that you're struggling to plan step 14, before you take step 1.

This is a result of feeling the need to be in control.

You've learned that when you're not in control, things aren't done correctly and people get hurt.

So you feel everything must be planned, in order to mitigate any risk of getting lost, doing a poor job or mis-stepping.

This is why you're procrastinating.

You're caught in analysis paralysis.

2️⃣ "I feel unprepared."

- Self doubt is a useful tool for analyzing where you need to gain competency.

But self doubt that cripples you in inaction, despite evidence of past success, points to imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome, very simplified, is doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud, or that you don't deserve the success you have.

You're procrastinating because you don't feel capable enough, or the task difficulty doesnt match with your perception of your own skill.

Sometimes this mismatch between task difficulty and resources is real. Often times, it is a cognitive distortion, wherein you're projecting your own feelings if inadequacy onto the possible outcome of failure.

3️⃣ "I'm afraid of failing."

-Fearing failure isn't the problem, it's allowing the fear to stop you from start that is what we're trying to address.

In order to develop a relationship with fear in which you work with it, instead of being controlled by it, you need to face the scary possibility you're imaging in your head.

When you fear failure, you really fear what failure means about you, your ability and your intelligence.

4️⃣ "I've spread myself too thin."

-Often times we fill up our schedules with important things that nonetheless are being used to avoid the one or two most important things that would really matter and move the needle for our business, relationship or career.

This is why you catch yourself feeling restless when you rest, because it gives you time to realize you're doing busy work and avoiding both the more uncomfortable emotions, and the uncomfortable tasks.

Staying in this cycle is like putting your car in park and pressing the gas to the floor. See how long your car lasts doing that.

The Solution

Since you now realize that you don't procrastinate you're lazy, but rather because you're avoiding the discomfort of not knowing where to start or the anxiety of potentially failing, you now know the overcoming procrastination isn't what you expected.

If you continue to push yourself with guilt, anxiety and self-criticism after you procrastinate, you're actually perpetuating a cycle of more procrastination.

Instead, you need to follow these 3 steps:

1. Self-Compassion

Ask yourself: "What is it about this task that makes me anxious?" "What is it that I fear will happen?"

I'm sure the answer will be something you can identify as potentially frightening, and you can tell yourself it's understandable why you're feeling anxiety.

If instead you've spread yourself too thin, consider asking yourself "What have I been postponing lately?" and "What has all this work allowed me to avoid?". Sometimes we fill our schedules as a way to avoid the work that really matters.

And if you don't know where to start, acknowledge that although you don't know exactly where to start, you probably have a hunch or where you could start. Often times perfectionists procrastinate because they fear starting in the wrong place, and so they get stuck in analysis paralysis. Acknowledge the perfectionism and choose imperfect progress.

2. Self-Encouragement

Think of the times you've succeeded in the past. Remind yourself that even if you do fail, or start in the wrong place, you'll survive and you'll learn from it, just as you have up until now.

Secondly, remind yourself that procrastination is failure by default. The regret of "what if I tried?" is a much harder pill to swallow than the disappointment of "I tried and didn't achieve what I wanted."

3. Self-Discipline

Move towards the discomfort. Action comes before motivation, especially when you're doing something uncomfortable.

I promise, if you just take some small steps, you'll build momentum, you'll show yourself you're capable of keeping your word, and you'll build grit, you'll build up your discomfort threshold.

Building your self-trust and grit will allow you to not only take more action with less hesitation, but bigger and riskier actions. And that's when you'll find yourself utilizing more and more of your potential, on an upwards spiral my friend.

Now, imagine how much more productive you'd be if you were able to put down the anxiety of always having to be productive and never make mistakes, and you were able to use your creativity and natural enthusiasm to work from a place of curiosity and flow?

It's possible for you.

If you're done, actually done with being frustrated and angry at yourself for wasting time again and again on things that are really important to you, click here, and I'll give you a free coaching session to break this cycle of procrastination and guilt.

Indecisive?

Worry often?

Feel the need to control yourself or the way others perceive you?

Yup, this one's for you...

All the above are shallow streams that can often be traced back to a singular, deep-flowing river: self-trust.

Self-esteem and self-worth get all the fame. But self-trust is the foundation which self-esteem is built upon. (How could you value yourself when you don't even trust yourself?)

So first, let's understand how these behaviors/traits start from low self-trust...

How low self-trust rears it's head

Indecisive- You don't trust your own intuition, so you have to make sure you choose the right option. You may fear your own self-judgement if you choose wrong.

Nervous/controlling- You don't trust your ability to adapt to life, so you need to be in control because if things go out of control, you may not survive. Because of this, you also cannot trust God/the universe/flow of life or others, because life does not always unfold in a way which you can predict or control.

People pleasing- You don't believe in your own worth, trust your ability to validate yourself or survive on your own. Therefore, you appease others as a way of achieving the validation you don't trust to give yourself.

Overthinking- Rumination, or overthinking, is a self-preservation mechanism, which aims to protect by and manifests as the above behaviors/traits of people pleasing, nervousness and indecisiveness.

Alright, we understand how low self-trust is a common, underlying issue. Now, let's investigate and understand just what self-trust really is...

(P.S.: If you would rather see my video on this topic, click here)

What is Self-Trust?

Self-trust means believing that you have your own best interest in mind.

Think of someone you trust. I'm sure you believe they want the best for you.

But sometimes, you find parts of yourself that you believe don't have your best interest in mind. This is called 'self-sabotage'.

Self-sabotage is when some part of you is driving you to behave in a way which isn't in your best interest.

And if you believe some part of yourself doesn't have your best interest in mind, you won't trust yourself to do what is best.

You'll have to control yourself. And around others you'll be wary, because you know you don't have control over how they might influence you. You must protect yourself. You must think long and hard about how best to avoid the pain you have felt.

There's no such thing as self-sabotage.

In reality, every part of yourself does have your best interest in mind, but different parts have different opinions about how to protect you or make you your best.

This is because the subconscious part of you that is traumatized by your parents vicious fighting, for example, truly believes not allowing you to have an intimate relationship is the best way to protect you from the pain it remembers.

So every part of you DOES have your best interest in mind. It's just that not every part of you agrees on the best way to serve you as a whole.

Therefore, self-sabotage is a misunderstanding, and self-trust can be restored with deep understanding and self-compassion.

Building self-trust requires self-inquiry, waking up to your automatic responses and building a foundation of connection and alignment between your head, heart and your gut.

If you want that. That high level of confidence & congruence that comes from the transformation of self-knowledge, self-acceptance and self-transcendence, contact me for a free discovery session.

Story time

Let's drive home the lesson, shall we?

Last week, my client, let’s call him David, came to me with a feeling of paranoia. He said, “I just want to trust myself. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore or have to control myself out of fear.”

After some penetration into the subconscious mind with some powerful and evocative questioning, what we found was that his paranoia stemmed from his fear of his own opinion of himself.

He would punish himself with negative self-talk whenever he felt weak, childish or unproductive. And because this part of himself didn't receive acceptance and compassion, he hid from himself.

Thus, his lack of self-acceptance, which was an attempt to hold himself to a higher standard through contempt, only perpetuated the avoidant behavior he was trying to prevent.

Yet, because he was unaware of this incongruence, and had not yet integrated these two layers of himself into one conscious awareness, he continued this cycle subconsciously.

And here’s the breakthrough that helped him to get to a place of self-compassion and self-love...

We got curious and vulnerable about what drove those two parts of him to act this way, and what we discovered is just two different ways to protect him.

His “Strong, adult, responsible” side was trying to create change in the inner child by pressure and negativity.

The “childish, weak, avoiding” side was simply trying to protect itself from the hate and rejection it was receiving.

The key insight here is that both of these parts of him were acting for the greater good that is David as a whole. Both sides of him were acting out of the same impulse toward self-preservation. And with this understanding, both sides of him deserve compassion.

His self-trust was low because he subconsciously believed that these two sides of himself did not have his best interest in mind, and so he had to punish his weak side and avoid his self-flagellating side.

But in reality, there was no self-sabotage, no side of him which wanted was bad for the whole. Only two opposing ways to self-preserve.

So if you can become aware of the reasoning behind the simultaneous, and sometimes contradictory, impulses the drive you, and integrate them into a single whole, you can build a bridge to self-trust...

To me, this story reflects the beauty of insight.

With true understanding, conflicts resolve themselves.

The knots we tie ourselves become untangled.

So next time you feel controlling, catch yourself avoiding responsibility or frustrated and frozen by indecision, take a moment to acknowledge and understand what’s happening.

Understanding that self-sabotage is simply a miscommunication between two parts of yourself is crucial for building self-trust. I hope the importance of this one really punched you.

Remember, every part of you has your interest in mind. Simply inquire.

Book a discovery call.

OR

Find more content on my instagram.

"To forever extinguish negativity

is not the goal;

negative self talk is, like all pain,

useful information.

It awakens in us the desire to change.

Thus, the goal is not perfect positivity,

it is understanding, humility and incremental growth."

-Tj Meagher

RECOGNIZING SELF-TALK

“I could never do that. Don’t even try. You’ll make a fool of yourself.”

“Why can’t you just get it right the first time? What’s wrong with me? I’m so stupid.”

“Don’t bother. They don’t even like you. Just let them be.”

“I don’t deserve happiness. Just look at what I’ve done.”

- Examples submitted by my Instagram followers

Any of these ring a bell?

Almost certainly one will.

If you’re feeling brave, please share in the comments

the negative self-talk you hear or find to be common.

It will help others feel less alone.

WHERE YOU’RE AT

You have become an unknowing victim to your own negative programming.

it wasn’t your fault.

You learned this behavior in your developing years;

you internalized

the doubtful look of a nervous parent,

the judgement of a frustrated teacher

the disapproval of the cool classmates.

The external voices have become an internal one.

It has become your burden to bear. So, it is your responsibility to do something about it.

It’s no longer your parents that stop you from being yourself,

no longer the teacher who judges you....it’s you…

It’s your creeping doubt that restricts you.

It’s your own faith in your limits that cripples your potential.

THE NEGATIVE IMPACT

And,

Until you choose to do something about it,

you will remain a victim to these unhelpful beliefs,

which steal chance, and waste potential.

You will repeat,

and repeat,

and repeat,

the same mistakes,

as a response to the same narratives in your head,

and unknowingly come to know nothing else

but the preconceived limitations

you have adopted and kept since adolescence….

THE IDEAL VISION

“We need to cultivate a voice which separates achievement from love. That reminds us that we may be worthy of love even if we fail. And that being a winner is only one part, and not necessarily the most important part, of one’s identity.”

-THE SCHOOL OF LIFE, ALAIN DE BUTTON

I want you to imagine what it would feel like, if the next time a negative thought popped into your head, you were able to recognize it instantly, know where it’s coming from, and be able to replace it with a positive, empowering interpretation.

What would that do for your self-esteem?

How would you feel about yourself, if you reprogrammed your mind for confidence and positivity? What kind of job would you stretch for?

What relationships would you cultivate out of this new paradigm? What kind of relationships would you end? What hobbies would you try out? How would your life be lived bigger, more passionate, if unencumbered by the chains of limiting self-talk?

Envision it, feel it, step into the first person perspective of that new self and feel the sensations!...

Now,

how important is that solution?

Is it important enough to take action on?

Is it important enough to make a commitment to this vision, right now?

HOW TO GET THERE

If it is, then here’s you can take the first step…

You must begin by understanding self-talk.

The way you talk to yourself is varying in form, and that’s great. It only becomes a problem when you get stuck in an unhelpful form of it. When you unknowingly trap yourself in one pattern of thought, the response you have becomes automatically filtered and dictated through that lens.

When you are stuck in one lens, this is called Cognitive distortion.

Negative self-talk is a cognitive distortion

which twists reality to prove and perpetuate

the negative beliefs you have about yourself.

Can somebody say self-sabotage?

So now that you understand how you maintain self-talk, let’s discover how to beat it.

3 PHASES TO FREEDOM

Phase 1: Train Awareness

This is, arguably, the hardest part.

It requires you to face what you don’t want to see within yourself.

It’s much easier to see negativity and self-limiting within others.

But when your thoughts and attention are consumed within a single narrative,

it’s pretty difficult to take the box off of your head,

especially when it’s scary to do so.

Ok, you can begin by learning the forms of negative self-talk:

1. Fortune telling (Where you predict your future based on past failures)

Sounds like: “I would never be able to do that.”

1. Mind reading (Where you project insecurities onto others, and believe they think ill of you in the same way you think ill of yourself)

Sounds like: “She thinks I’m stupid.”

1. Magnification (Where you exaggerate the importance of a mistake)

Sounds like: “I stuttered twice. I did such a terrible presentation.”

1. Personalization (Where you think your failures say something about your self-worth)

Sounds like: “Look at me, I couldn’t even submit the project in time. I’m a loser.”

1. Should statements (Where you hold yourself to unrealistic expectations or only one way of being).

Sounds like: “This shouldn’t be taking me this long. ”

These are a few common ones.

If you’re feeling brave, I challenge you to share with us the form of self-talk you recognize in yourself.

Next, start the game of recognizing and labeling the cognitive distortion within yourself as soon as you can.

Gradually, catch it the next day, then try for 3 hours after, then 30 minutes after, then 5, then as you're saying it, Then as you're thinking it.

If you can catch the negative self-talk in the moment, you unlock a new freedom: the freedom to influence your actions and choose what to do with it.

Last stage of this phase is to raise self-awareness

By discerning the common triggers in your life, and the common form of negative self talk that you respond with, you can anticipate it negative self-talk. When you can anticipate it, it’s going to feel much less frustrating, and more surmountable.

Phase 2: Generate alternative narratives

When you can recognize your self-talk as it’s occurring, you can realize what may be an automatic response, and decouple it from what is fact.

You don’t believe everything you think.

The first thought is not always the right one.

If you can remind yourself that the story in your head is an interpretation,

and not necessarily a 100% accurate representation of reality,

then you can open up a second freedom;

which is to think of alternative interpretations of the situation.

“Ohh, maybe it’s ok that I forgot grandma's birthday, like all we all forget things sometimes, and maybe I’m not a self-absorbed little shit for forgetting.”

One of the ways I do this with my clients is by doing a coaching exercise I call the panorama.

You can take any negative past experience, right now, and try it out while I explain it to you.

First, I ask you to think of a negative, emotional situation you’ve experienced.

Listen to all the opinions of right and wrong in your head.

And understand that this is an interpretation, and not necessarily the whole picture.

So,
let’s get creative. Let’s think of alternative perspectives.

Doesn’t matter if they feel inaccurate or even absurd.

Second, I want you to imagine your situation as wrapping around your head, and with
each quarter turn there is a different lens by which to see the situation.

1. Now, make a mental quarter turn to the right, and think of slightly different way to think about the same situation. What evidence are you glossing over, that could tell a different story?

2. Next, turn 180 degrees from the starting point, and give me a perspective which polarizes the original perspective. Make it so different that it looks absurd from the original perspective.

3. For your 3 quarters turn, imagine what part of the story might you be over-emphasizing.

Third, choose which perspective is most empowering, and see if there is not some truth
to it. Then, decide to commit to this more empowering interpretation, and take the
lessons from the truth in that perspective.

Phase 3: Empowerment

In order to empower yourself, we must first generate distance from ourselves, to then choose the most empowering interpretation.

That is why empowerment is necessarily the third freedom.

Now, If you try empowering yourself without first invalidating the limiting self-talk, you will create conflict between the narratives that makes your empowerment feel like false positivity, because you haven’t let go over the old narrative yet, and so you will think that you don’t deserve compassion, another chance, a first chance, whatever it is that liberates you.

It’s like mowing over your weeds instead of ripping out the roots. They’re going to grow back.

If there is incongruence between the story you tell yourself and the story you believe in,

it won’t work.

So, when you can step into the empowering narrative, and believe in, then you can create a new paradigm, and each time your negative self-talk comes up, you can retrain yourself, to create a powerful, peaceful and positive version of yourself.

*If this is something you would like some assistance with,

please contact me for a free consultation.

Liberation from negative self-talk

1. Raising your awareness to its occurrence. Each time try to reduce the amount of time between the negative thought and reaction.

2. challenge the story in your head by generating other interpretations.

3. Choose a more empowering, compassionate interpretation. And believe in the truth of that perspective.

Remember: Awareness, Alternatives, Empowerment.

COMMITMENT

We are way more common than we are different in our humanity, our frailty, our internal conflicts. So understand, that you are not broken. You’re not abnormal. You’re Human. This is something we all face.

If you are ready to overcome negative self-talk, and would like some assistance, schedule a free session here.

My friends,

I really gave my heart and soul into this one, and tried to help you solve a huge, foundational problem. So, If you know anybody who could benefit from this message, please, share it with them. Repost it to your community or DM someone you care about. Love grows as we share it, and this works best when we do it together.

Thank you,

TJ

instagram.com/_tjmeagher